To all my Kripalu family :)

Stepping into the doors of Kripalu after frustration arouse on the road driving with mom, dad, and John. The damn GPS, this voice telling us what directions to drive, how annoying! To my knowledge now I have such a similar voice in my head, screaming and telling me which directions to go. The journey I was about to embark on is a journey that can not be captivated as I sit here now, through the medium of words and with the mind. The journey was a heart felt journey; leading with the heart forwards.

At first glance Kripalu seemed big and intimidating; stepping in the doors did not change my thoughts. I was nervous, and flustered with the massive amounts of people. I stepped outside to nature as she always has a way ground me. Now is the time to find my room, deep breathes. Sleeping in a dorm with 20 ladies my critic had many thoughts. 20 ladies! How could I ever? How would I sleep, find myself, my rest. Questions swarming my mind like bees on a nest. I found my room, I found my bed, and introduced myself to my new roomates, that I could have never imagined becoming so close with. Ah...

Stepping into Shadowbrook, the room of transformation, it seemed so big, so white, and open. As we gathered in a circle to peer around the room I was again, nervous; what was going to happen this month? How was I going to be changed? A book title; how in the hell do I come up with a book title?! But then it came to me, it came to me, as I slowly began to surrender all the goodness came to me. I was sitting in a circle of strangers; my teachers said that by the end of this process we would all no longer be strangers, but we would all be very strange. Well yes...people are strange ...and I am too.
Right away the journey within started, right away we moved, grooved, and danced to the music and with one another. Dancing with all these strangers ..Hey! I've done this before at festivals, this ain't so bad. What better a way to get to know people? The dancing shared with fellow strangers the first night was no like the dancing at festivals what so ever. What intimate connections were formed then and thereafter.

Mornings; a time to settle in and find center before the upcoming events of the day, which could never be understood by the mind, it seemed the illusion was sinking in regarding this concept of "time". Settling in with these 60 people, who I slowly began to feel more comfortable with. I slowly began to feel safe in the space, and yet I still could not have imagined what I was in for. How this month would move me, transform me, and teach me that all I have been searching for sits within. There was certainly moments of doubt, but the words trust the process continued to resonate in me. Trust the process Julie, you can't give up just yet. I'm young, fragile, and vulnerable, sitting in a group of people that I barely know. Here I am. Here we are. What in the hell are these other people thinking?

Confirmed, time is elastic. Week one passes. Fast as lighting; it lite up my mind, body, and soul with how much I had learned so fast and then, week 2 arrived. What just happened to me in week one? All of this beautiful information that is settling into every inch of my body, permeating my cells, blood, and bones. I'm starting to feel more at home. I'm starting to sleep easy at night; with how much work one day is, it becomes easier to let go and rest. There is nothing to do when I lay in my bed at night, there is no where to go.
Moment by moment, and day by day, I learn, I laugh, I certainly cry, and love. The volume is being turned up. There is much that is release, I have thoughts I must be better. What else can be release, haven't I cried enough already? I had no idea that crying is natural at Kripalu, accepted and understood. I'm sitting admist the chaos in myself and learning to not resist. Not resist who I am, and again, not resist the process. If not now when, If not now, when Julie? When will you give your all to something.
As I start let go, I start to change, I begin to surprise myself. My hands never looked so complete, and I had never looked at them with such awe. I had never starred into the eyes of another with such an open heart, willing to give and willing to receive, fully. I have never screamed I love you so loud to a friend, brother, Adam that sat next to me in circle the first night. Perhaps afraid to touch knees, I know I was. But all of a sudden, I am screaming, from the depths of my being, I love you to Adam. Ok...Yes this is happen. There is no chance of turning back now.

Throughout all the tears, smiles, laughs, and frustration I was being changed. I was changing, and I was changing others. These strangers that I sat in circle with the first night were becoming my brothers and sisters, some of the only people that to this day will somewhat understand what happened at Kripalu. Wait, what did happen at Kripalu? How has this month changed me. I am certainly different; often finding myself in fascination with the way I speak, with my voice. Perhaps it was the day of silence that made me appreciate words. Perhaps it was holding Setu Bandhasana that made me recognize my strength of both body, and mind. Perhaps it was looking into the eyes of another that see's that made me realize what it is to actually SEE someone, and be seen. Yes, it was all of that. Yes, it was the co and reflective listening that made me realize what it is to truly be heard, and to truly listen. And now that I'm back home, with my witness; as my friends talk to me I observe my inner dialogue. "Oh Julie, won't you stop and actually listen!!" Remember, compassion; self observation with compassion! How joyful it is to know the capabilities of the mind, body, and soul. To know that each and every one of us is infinite, eternal, and whole.

By the end of the month long journey Shadowbrook was still big; being a place of where big dreams of transformation came true, and it was still open; open to the willingness of being changed, open to surrendering to the plays of the universe, open to trusting the process. Throughout the array of emotions, ups and downs, smiles and frowns, my brothers, sisters, and I persevered. We made it. We did it. I know I gave my all to shaking, to sustaining (not holding), to breathing, to being authentically me. And I am still changing, trying to keep up with what I am today, who I am today, and the power I have that sits deep within.
To all my Kripalu family, thank you and god bless you for trusting the process, and taking the journey within to reveal the layers of self. The many layers of self. Going deep within to discover that the cosmos sit at the base of the spine where the breathe breaths, and all life stems from. It eases my mind to know that as I look at the elegant stars each night I am looking at each one of you, shining your light beam of sweetness, sukha, down on me. And as the moon sits still, may you be at ease, knowing that I am shining my light back on you. Knowing that this nature is rooted within us, may we stay rooted within our mother and open to the waters that flow; fast and slow. JAI!